It is springtime and love is in the air. With the staggering
amount of recent engagements and wedding announcements that are bombarding my
Facebook page I have pondered the question over and over again, “how do you
know that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?” Of course
every couples answer is going to be different. “He makes me laugh.” “I can talk
with her about anything.” “I love the way he listens to me.” Then there is
always the romance story, whether it is love at first sight or an intense
uphill battle through the friend zone. Though I have fallen in and out of love
a time or two I have never experienced the irrevocable forever kind of love
that I envision precedes marriage vows. So I continue to ask the question “How
can you know?” I found a satisfactory answer by pretending that my daughter
just came rushing into our living room with a ring on her finger, excited about
her recent betrothal. Naturally I being her father want to protect her from
doing anything stupid so I sit her down and ask her a bunch of questions to
help her see if she was really in love. Of course this is hypothetical but it
helped me visualize it all and I’ll share with you the questions and advice I
came up with.
1. How
well do you know him? Vowing to spend the rest of eternity with a person is
absolutely crazy in my mind. Promising to spend the rest of eternity with a
stranger is just insane. You need to know some fundamental things about a
person before you make that jump. You need to know and be able to predict how
they are going to react in certain situations. Do they stress eat? Or do they
resort to retail therapy? Do they shut down when confronted with a difficult
problem or patiently seek solutions? How do they handle anger? Every one gets
angry; it’s inevitable. If you didn’t get angry I would steer clear because
eventually you are going to blow. Do they become threatening or are they able
to communicate? What are their dreams and aspirations? You don’t have to have
the exact same plans for the future but it is important that they are similar
and that you will both be able to work together towards goals. Are you willing
to trust them with the task of raising you children? Or providing for your
family?
2. How
well do you communicate with each other? Learning the answer to this question
takes a great amount of time and observation. You may feel confident in your
ability to communicate but then realize that it is completely one sided.
Communication is a two way street. To communicate effectively both persons need
to listen emphatically and speak clearly. Transparency and honestly are the key
to communication. To be a strong couple you cannot allow anything to come
between you, not kids, parents, financial problems, or even home decorating
ideas! Yes that is asking a lot and no I am not asking you to yield you
personal identity. What I am saying that that communication and compromise need
to be of paramount importance. You need to learn how to communicate before you
make big decision together. Try it out on the little things like “Honey, what
would you like for dinner?” Part of transparency is assertiveness. If you are
laying down and letting whatever fly then you are not being honest with your
partner or yourself and this will only lead to future issues. Have confidence
and faith that your views and desires will be given the attention they deserve.
If they are not you should rethink spending eternity with someone who doesn’t
appreciate your views. Further you should be able to have uncomfortable
conversations. I think it is important that every girl ask her fiancé if they
have ever viewed pornography. If they
say no they are more likely then not lying. Serious couples should talk about
fidelity expectations and plan on ways to prevent outside invasion and
distractions. Men, be men and be honest.
3. Third
and final topic of questions. Do you love each other? Love to me is a deep
yearning for and devotion to the person who holds all of your affection. Can
you say this about your partner? Do you think about them when you have nothing
else to do? Does your heart skip when they send you that first text of the day?
Do you ache every time you have to say goodbye? Even if it is just for the
night? When you think of something exciting to do, do you imagine doing it with
them? When you learn something new are you excited to share it with them? Are you willing to leave your comfort zone to
stand by them? Is you attraction skin deep? It is only a rare few that can
retain their prime beauty through out the rest of life. Will you still be able
to see her (or his) beauty when the muscles weaken, the skin stretches, and the
fat pops out of nowhere and won’t go away? Can you feel the attraction whenever
they walk into the room?
I heard of a study that purported that people could typically
wear a social mask in a relationship for about nine months before the demons
start showing themselves. Good communication and transparency can speed that
time up. Personally I hope that when I eventually get married it will be to a
girl who sees me with my masks off and is still willing to stand by my side.
Further I would hope that any and all masks are off before I get married.
Knowing each other is a fundamental process to the development of a good relationship. Learning whom you are with, what makes them tick, their dreams,
desires, and quarks is one of the greatest, and most exciting part of a
relationship.
